birthing difficult songs

a note from studio diary while waiting for my newest songs to cooperate

hello my beautiful music loves

i WILL get these songs DONE. i’m sitting in a cafe this morning with my cortado, Lacie harddrive, and blocking out the 80’s music blasting on the speaker.

i created lots of songs this summer and i need them to be done and off my desk. my singer soul needs space. space for silent emptiness so i can catch a fresh melody emerging from the void.

i want to fill the vocal booth with my voice. walk around the house singing scales with my jaw soft, throat opening, vibrations tickling my neck.

but before empty space comes finishing.

i have two pesky songs that are refusing to be easy. they’re in their teenage stage. every stage of the music production process can be compared to birthing/raising children.

difficult song 1: smaller

difficult song 2: what do i sing about

i thought they were the greatest thing ive ever created when they first showed up but the more i work on them, the more tangled the sounds and my opinions tighten around irritating not-good-enough-ness. im painfully aware of where my skills are less than where i want them to be.

sometimes songs are celebrations of everything i am right now. sometimes they are mirrors, tellers of harsh truth…revealing that where i am right now is nowhere close to where i thought i was. slap in the face.

my difficult songs show me where i need to grow.

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there’s this icky feeling in my mind…

the artist doubt leaking its way in and coating my brain in a film of “not good enough” and “why even bother”

it’s creepin in, even with the easy good songs. i’ve been filming more yoga flows for my youtube channel, dancing my body and being playful to my old songs…but then this hyper-critical part of me shows up even there. nothing is good enough once it’s slipped into the past. for this part of me, the past is cringy. it judges everything i’ve created against my current abilities.

whatever. keep going.

i do feel a general sluddy molasses wall i have to push through to get this batch of songs off my secret files computer and out onto the public airwaves.

im suspicious this has something to do with my birth imprint. i’ll be talking more about birth imprints in my healing realm. hop over to Love + Rainbows for deeper discussions about how trauma impacts our ability to express ourselves creatively.

for example, i was born with forceps which can impact my vocal expression and my ability to finish things. in the past i was totally blocked, unconsciously, whereas now i am flooded with awareness and meet the resistance. i refuse to let it get the better of me.

freedom will always win.

xoxo
CHA🍍WILDE

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